Joy vs happiness

Things that make me happy:

• nutella
• patients who make me bookmarks or necklaces or cookies or cakes
• getting cheap Grey's Anatomy DVDs from Trade Me
• Foy Vance's voice
• people trying (and failing) to do a Northern Irish accent (especially when their accent becomes Indian)
• banter with my rugby boys at 5:40 a.m. (there is not much else that makes 5:40 a.m. a happy time)
• Wild Bean coffee
• when people comment on my blog
• letters from home (especially when the envelopes also contain Percy Pigs)
• Dutch Blitz (a vonderfool goot game!)

I think, for a lot of my life, I've looked for happiness. Well ,who doesn't? I've (often relentlessly) pursued the things that make me happy. It's only natural. Natural for me to pursue conversations with certain people because I know they'll make me smile, natural for me to make sure the kettle is boiled at 10 a.m. so I can have my caffeine fix (natural, but also essential, for the sanity of everyone around me), natural for me to quote lines from 'He's just not that into you' to the appropriate people because I know it'll make both of us laugh. I know these aren't bad things, but what I've learned is that they aren't the only things and for that, I'm thankful...

I'm thankful because, although there are things that make me happy, happiness is not the goal. I love the things that make me smile, but I don't want to live my life from high to high, happy moment to happy moment, from thrill to thrill, because these things don't last. They are temporary, short-lived, quick to fade.

More than happiness, I want joy, which I've come to see is not an emotion, but a state of being. Joy does not depend on circumstances like happiness does. CS Lewis (who, I'm pretty sure, would have been my BFF if I'd been alive 80 years ago) said, "joy is never in our power and pleasure (happiness) often is". Happiness is putting on a cosy hoodie and snuggling into a beanbag while a storm is raging outside. Joy is standing out in the middle of the storm, enduring the torrents and embracing the wind and being at peace. It doesn't come from what's going on around you, things you can control. It is a deep satisfaction that comes from inside and it is good. It lasts and it fulfils, so much more than the momentary things that make us happy.

Who you are when you get there

It's not where you go or what you do, but who you are when you get there.

I've spent a large proportion of my life worrying about where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do. Weighing up the pros and cons, dwelling on the what ifs, making life complicated. What to study, what to do for work, where to do my work, where to spend my gap year, where to live and how long to live there. It's exhausting!


I know that God has a plan for my life. Well, you would hope I would know from the number of times I've heard Jeremiah 29:11. I know He has a plan and I know it's a good plan. But I've come to realise that it is not a rigid plan that I have no say in. 


Four years ago, I decided to move to New Zealand. I could have decided to stay in Northern Ireland, or even to move to South Africa or Scotland. I thought long and hard about it, trying to work out where God wanted me. What I didn't realise was that, maybe there wasn't a right place for me to be. God has blessed and provided for me in NZ, but I think He would have blessed and provided for me wherever I went. 


I'm not saying He doesn't care what I do or know what's best. Someone explained it to me like this: it's like a playground with a fence around it. There are swings and slides and seesaws and roundabouts in the playground and, within the playground, I can play on anything I want, as long as I don't go over the fence.


Where you live, what you do, who you marry - be someone who seeks God, knows God, honours God, loves God. If that's how you live, c a n  y o u  r e a l l y  g o  w r o n g?

Remember

This is what a pile of 524 photos looks like.


Just a small selection of photos from the last four years - the time I've spent in New Zealand.
My plan is to put them into a scrapbook along with some stuff I've gathered over the years - newspaper articles, rugby tickets, wedding invitations (ok, ok, I'm a bit of a hoarder).


Part of the reason for this is that I just like doing creative things. I'm just going to enjoy it! The other part of it is that I think it's important to remember - a valuable lesson I learned from my South African mum...


When I was leaving South Africa (the first time), we had a braai so I could say thank you and goodbye to the people who had made a big impact on me while I was there. South Africans love to give speeches. Any occasion, birthdays, baptisms, whatever, you can guarantee someone has something to say!


I clearly remember the speeches that night. I remember where I was sitting - on the floor by the TV with Shelly on one side of me and Tuppence the Jack Russell on the other side. Erica stood to my right as she told me how important it was to remember. She read Philippians 4:8 


Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. (From The Message). 


So when I look at these photos, I remember...

I remember autumnal banter! And how I got the best break when I got Lee and Sarah as flatmates.







Sometimes I forget what a beautifully, stunning, amazing country I live in!








These two make me remember the amazing opportunities I've had with rugby, opportunities that have sometimes been out of my league, so much so that I'm sure someone had to have planned them...


(the bottom one also reminds me why I dislike Tech :)

This one reminds me how far a bit of Kiwi ingenuity goes when your bag gets stuck on a rock when you try to throw it down a ladder on an isolated Pacific Island






Here, I'm reminded that I have incredible friends and family who come all the way to the other side of the world to visit me

And this one - the best road trips are those when 'the plan is, there is no plan!'

Ok, so this one makes me a bit sad because KJ's gone. Call me a crazy cat lady if you want, but I had to put him in here because he reminds me of several things, the most important being that if you leave a cat indoors and you don't have a cat door, the cat will poo anywhere, usually on a handy bed. 

 








This one reminds me of good friends, good flatmates, the privilege of being a bridesmaid for someone I love.

Remember that time Ireland beat Australia in the World Cup??? Yeah, me too :)

And this one reminds me that some things are worth travelling for 46 hours to get to.

I'm not saying we should get stuck in the past. Not at all. I'm all about the moving forwards, but sometimes, to move forwards, you have to look back too, to remember the things that are true and honourable and right and lovely and pure and admirable and excellent and worthy of praise. 

Sometimes, the world sucks. Sometimes it is dark and cold and ugly and painful and frustrating and sad and cruel. So, sometimes, when you can’t see anything but black ahead, you have to look back to see the light.

Where I was to where I am

Last Wednesday, I started writing a chapter about something that happened a couple of years ago. I couldn't remember all the details, so I had a look in the journals that I'd written around that time. It didn't take me long to get lost in them and most of my afternoon was gone before I knew it.
As I read, I felt like I was eavesdropping on a personal letter written by someone I didn't know. The situations I was in, the way I felt about them, the ways I reacted - I didn't recognise that person.
Of course people change. That's normal. But who I was then and who I am now, w e  a r e  n o t  e v e n  r e l a t e d.
It would take a lot more than one blog to tell you about the ways I've changed and the process that got me there. It's a long story of lessons, counselling, friendship, priorities, hurt and revival. It's a good story. Maybe I'll tell you someday.
Maybe, most of all, it's a story of hope. I didn't even realise the extent until I looked back and saw the despair that was becoming far too common for me. Looking at those entries, I was going to count the number of times I said 'stress', 'angry', 'struggling', 'drained', but there were too many. Eventually, I had come to the point where I realised I needed to do something about it, but even in that decision, I didn't think anything was really going to change.


Wednesday 3rd June 2009
"I think sometimes I believe these things (faith, love) are possible for other people but I've just lost hope that it's true for me"


Monday 13th July 2009
"I am not going anywhere. My problems are not new ones. They're just coming around again and I am not learning and I am not growing and that is torture. I'm tired. I'm losing hope"


Tuesday 3rd November 2009
"I think it'll help to talk about it, but I don't think it'll fix it"


I was broken and thought I was beyond fixing. As I remember that feeling, I'm not really sure whether to laugh or cry because, although I am nowhere near completely whole, it wasn't till I looked back that I could see how far I am down the road. I look back and see that hurt, scared, lost, lonely person and I can see that she was all part of the process, but I'm pretty glad I can only see her in the distance.

Thoughts on the North

1 long weekend
1324 kilometres driven
3 attempts to drive "The Bubble" on 90-mile beach
1 friendly tractor driver to remove "The Bubble" from the 90-mile beach sand that engulfed its front wheels
4 of the 101 Must-Dos for Kiwis
Several cups of coffee

I love ticking things off lists. Northland was one of those things. I've seen a lot of New Zealand in my four years here, but Northland has been one of the areas I've wanted to explore more. So, when Becki suggested a casual long weekend north of Auckland, I was pretty excited.
Only having three days, a lot of time was spent in my trusty old Nissan March (special shout out to "The Bubble" - thanks for all those hills you worked your way up in second gear with the air con on), but what a trip. Just a few highlights to share:

1. When two small local boys shout at you, "Go fast!" as you drive your small car onto 90-mile beach, you should not slow down to ask them what they meant, you should actually go fast. If you don't go fast, the slowing down quickly becomes a stop. Thank goodness for friendly tractor drivers to help pull your car out, even if they do stop to laugh at you first.

2. Possibly the best coffee and chocolate I've had in New Zealand. Bennett's of Mangawhai is a bit famous and what a treat! You have to love a cappuccino that has real chocolate shavings on top. And a chocolate that has feijoa 42 below in it!

3. Sandboarding (or not) on Te Paki giant sand dunes. We tried. We failed.

4. Cape Reinga. The tip of New Zealand (well, not actually - there is a bit further round that is a little more northerly), a sacred place full of cultural significance. There's an unsettled area in the water, which looks like the wake of a waka and is the place they say the Pacific Ocean meets the Tasman Sea. I could have sat on the hill watching it all day.

 I sort of feel like I should have had some great revelations on such an amazing and stunning trip, but you know, sometimes beauty is just there for beauty's sake, and getting to observe it, well, that's pretty special