Where I was to where I am

Last Wednesday, I started writing a chapter about something that happened a couple of years ago. I couldn't remember all the details, so I had a look in the journals that I'd written around that time. It didn't take me long to get lost in them and most of my afternoon was gone before I knew it.
As I read, I felt like I was eavesdropping on a personal letter written by someone I didn't know. The situations I was in, the way I felt about them, the ways I reacted - I didn't recognise that person.
Of course people change. That's normal. But who I was then and who I am now, w e  a r e  n o t  e v e n  r e l a t e d.
It would take a lot more than one blog to tell you about the ways I've changed and the process that got me there. It's a long story of lessons, counselling, friendship, priorities, hurt and revival. It's a good story. Maybe I'll tell you someday.
Maybe, most of all, it's a story of hope. I didn't even realise the extent until I looked back and saw the despair that was becoming far too common for me. Looking at those entries, I was going to count the number of times I said 'stress', 'angry', 'struggling', 'drained', but there were too many. Eventually, I had come to the point where I realised I needed to do something about it, but even in that decision, I didn't think anything was really going to change.


Wednesday 3rd June 2009
"I think sometimes I believe these things (faith, love) are possible for other people but I've just lost hope that it's true for me"


Monday 13th July 2009
"I am not going anywhere. My problems are not new ones. They're just coming around again and I am not learning and I am not growing and that is torture. I'm tired. I'm losing hope"


Tuesday 3rd November 2009
"I think it'll help to talk about it, but I don't think it'll fix it"


I was broken and thought I was beyond fixing. As I remember that feeling, I'm not really sure whether to laugh or cry because, although I am nowhere near completely whole, it wasn't till I looked back that I could see how far I am down the road. I look back and see that hurt, scared, lost, lonely person and I can see that she was all part of the process, but I'm pretty glad I can only see her in the distance.