Change

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how much I'd changed, how f a r  I' d c o m e. Since writing that, I've realised that I was writing with a bit of an arrogant attitude. I don't disagree with anything I wrote then and my thoughts on it are no different. I still know I've come so far down the road and I'm still thankful for that. But what I've come to see in the last few weeks is that I still have a long way to go.


Over the period I was writing about, circumstances changed, I changed, I grew and the result was a good thing. But that was only the beginning. 


I've had a pretty average couple of weeks. Nothing really bad has happened, but a lot of things I've been feeling are feelings that I haven't felt for a while, since a couple of years ago, since before things started to get better. Things like wanting to be alone, feeling like I don't have the energy to be around people, getting angry at people I care about for no reason, or for reasons that I've invented or exaggerated, being scared of the future, scared of being alone, scared of not being good enough. Things that I thought I was done with. 


Just when I thought that everything was going perfectly, everything changed, and that's been a lesson. That's how things go. But it's not a bad thing. Change hurts, sometimes so much that you're not even sure you'll get through it. Change can highlight everything that's wrong with you. Change can be a struggle. But change is good.
I'm stoked with where I am, but I don't want to stay there. I've realised that change doesn't always bring growth, that you have to choose to grow when things change. 
I want to grow, I want to develop, because, even though I know it hurts, I know that the 'unchange' (yes, I just made up a word) hurts more. When we choose to live in the unchange, we sink deeper into our little pit where things swallow us insidiously, which ultimately, hurts more.


"Change. We don’t like it. We fear it. But we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here’s the truth. Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh sometimes, change is good. Sometimes change is everything."
(Wise words from Grey's Anatomy)


One of the worst things we could do, must be to think that where we are is the goal, to think that change is something to fight, to think we have grown as much as we can. 
Change is inevitable. Change is vital. Change is painful. And change is good.