Who can I control but me?

When I was younger, I used to think that if I was the best person I could be, if I was kind and generous and selfless and patient and humble and caring, that everything would work out. Everyone would like me. Everyone around me would be all those things too. Everything would work out as it should.


       I thought          
                    if I could control myself
                                                         I could control my life


The years have made me see just how wrong I was. I haven't been perfect, but even so, the years have taught me that you can forgive and apologise, but that doesn't always bring reconciliation. The years have taught me that you can care and love, but that doesn't always mean that they'll care for you and love you back. The years have taught me that you can trust and be trustworthy, but that doesn't always stop them from abusing your trust.


                                         It was a hard lesson to learn
                                                       Why?
       Because it meant that I couldn't always be in control


When I was at high school, I had one particularly destructive friendship with a girl who manipulated me, demeaned me, trapped me and generally made my life miserable. Instead of trying to talk to her and sort it out, I ran away, changing to a different school for my last two years. I gave her all sorts of excuses for my move, none of them even close to the truth that I just wanted to get away. And then I cut off contact.
A few years later, the whole situation was playing on my mind. I had lied to her. By leaving and cutting her off, I'd been dishonest and gutless. So, I decided to write to her. I hadn't seen her for a long time, but I wrote, explaining the real reason I had left. I explained that our friendship had become volatile and hurtful and I apologised for my part in it. I expected that she would reply, acknowledging and maybe even apologising for her part in it.


                                                         I was wrong


A few weeks later, I got an e-mail from her, informing me that I had imagined the problems, that I clearly had issues and sarcastically telling me that, she hoped that by getting it off my chest, I had achieved what I wanted to.
                                            I was gutted
                                  I believed I'd done the right thing
                          So why didn't she react like I wanted her to?


I was not in control of her reaction. There is no way I could've been. But did that mean that I shouldn't have apologised? 
I cannot control other people, but I can control myself. I can't base what I do on how I think others are going to react. I can't wait for others to see things as I do before I apologise. I can't wait for others to care about me before I care about them.


                   I can only control me....
                                ...so that's what I'll do