Fix me: Part 1

When trying harder doesn't work

Wholeness. Completeness. Perfection. Fullness. Abundance. I have a long way to go. I'm a long way off. Here, as I am, broken, shattered, lost, hurt, tarnished. 

I can see it all the time. The brokenness shows in the things I think, the hurtful things I say, the selfish things I do, my attitude, which often leaves a lot to be desired. I don't want to think and say and do those things and usually, they end up breaking me a bit more. I want to be whole. And I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to attain that wholeness

I've tried running away, tried clinging to other people, tried being a perfectionist. I've tried and tried, harder and harder, scratching and clawing to try to achieve completeness.

I could give you a lot of examples. Here's a wee one for you...

A few years ago, my thoughts were consumed with wanting a boyfriend, something which, I now see, came from loneliness, a fear of being alone forever and a belief that once I had someone, then I would be whole.

It started to affect the way I treated people - jealousy and bitterness were pretty common emotions for me. I could see that it wasn't good but I didn't acknowledge that there might be deeper issues. I just told myself I was wrong and I needed to fix it.

Thus was born "Man Ban"- six months in which I would not think about boys, would not daydream about them, would not seek affection from them. Somehow, my logic told me that if I deprived myself of something, I would stop wanting it. Hmmm.

L o o o o o o o ng story short, I reached the end of six months a bit more broken. Maybe I did stop thinking so much about having a boyfriend, but it was less out of wholeness and more out of hopelessness. If I'm honest, I believed that I was doing such a good thing that surely God would reward me with a boyfriend at the end. Which sort of negated the whole exercise.

I can see now that I wasn't honest with myself. I think I didn't even really know myself very well. And that's the thing. God knows me. Forgive the cheesy Christian metaphor, but He wrote the instruction manual and over the last few years, He has orchestrated the healing to an extent I never thought possible and in ways I would never have planned for myself.

At the right times, the right people have come into my life. Challenges have come only at the times when I've been equipped to deal with them. The control has been taken out of my hands into much more capable hands. 

I haven't been totally passive. It took a long time for me even to position myself in the right place to follow, but when I did that, when I stopped kicking and punching and fighting, He started to lead me.

And now I'm getting there.

He's getting me there.