Going East

Things I learned on the journey east...

• 1 car + 5 people + 7 hours - coffee + Diana Ross CD on repeat = sore butt + tired head + feeling of wanting to rip off ears.
• when Tuwhakairiora is the shortened version of a name (Tu-moana-kotore-i-whakairi-oratia), you can't really complain about Philippa.
• how to say Tuwhakairora
• when sleeping marae style, ear plugs are your best friend. Next year...nose plugs!
• the skirting board type thing that goes between the wall and the ceiling is called a scotia. 
• when scraping wallpaper off with your fingernails and you get a big chunk, it can be surprisingly satisfying.
• a  l i t t l e  h a r d  w o r k  c a n  g o  a  l o n g  w a y.

Te Araroa is about as far east as you can go in New Zealand - the first place to see the sunrise. Every year, for the last six, a group (mostly from Hamilton) has driven the windy roads along the wild coastline to spend Labour Weekend serving the small community. Incedo, who organise it, are 6 years into a 30 year relationship with the area. 

 When the idea of taking a group of people to do some projects there was first approached, the people who know the community best, said something along the lines of - we don't want you coming up here to spend a weekend making yourselves feel good, then leaving and never looking back. If you're interested in the community, we want a commitment for 30 years...

 The commitment was made and year 6 rolled on. This year, the project involved Uncle BoBo and a house in desperate need of some love. The plan for the weekend? A new roof, new insulation, a repainted exterior, a repainted interior, a new ranch slider and two new decks. Day one: sanding, sanding outside, sanding inside, sanding high, sanding low, lots of sanding. Then a bit of exterior painting, taking off the old roof, laying some pink batts, and putting on as much of the new roof as possible before...


Day two: rain, wind and a bit more rain. Not a great combination of things when you're up on a roof. Thankfully, just the one fall off the roof. Thankfully soft landing (well, maybe the guy he landed on was not so thankful). Thankfully, lots of indoor jobs to be done - painting on the wallpaper, stripping the wallpaper when the paint caused it to peel off, repainting after the wallpaper had been stripped. Some carried on well into the night, but by the end of day two, the difference was huge and the house was ready for BoBo to come back.

Though there wasn't a whole lot of spare time, some was made for the important things - the eating, the gathering together. Each night, we'd come together in the wharenui to talk, to build relationship, to pray. Apart from the smell of wet feet, it was a pretty precious time. From three year old kids to much older adults, everyone was involved. There was togetherness, there was appreciation for each other, there was unity. Unity despite differences. Coming from Northern Ireland, being pretty much as far from home as I could be, I found it pretty remarkable, pretty valuable.

I've been involved in missions before in a few different countries, but this one was different. It wasn't about the project, it wasn't about achieving a goal and standing back to admire our work and giving ourselves a pat on the sore, tired back. It was about the people, people coming together, none better than the others, none less valuable than their neighbour. People, worth our time. People worth our hearts. People changed. People blessed

(I was trying to come up with some wise crack about wise men coming from the east, but the cliched cheesiness made me want to throw up a little bit, so I won't bother.)

Stop

Yesterday was my last day of work. I have a week before I start my new job, so, for the first time in, I don't know how long, I have a few days off. So what did I do with my day? Well...

I got up at 5a.m. to go to rugby training, then I went straight to the gym, then had an appointment at church, then a physio appointment (after hurting my Achilles at the gym), came home and made lunch for Abby, had lunch with Abby, did my laundry, washed my sheets, tidied my room, cleaned my bathroom, vacuumed the lounge, made dinner for the flatmates, cleaned up after dinner and then spent the evening making a photo book that I've been meaning to do for weeks...

I'm pretty exhausted, but more than that, I don't want to stop.

This year has gone at a hundred miles an hour. Yes, I've had my Wednesdays off, but on an average day at work, I've been treating 15-20 patients. 
           In the average week, I've had rugby trainings on two mornings and   one or two evenings, plus games on Saturdays. 
           In between all of that, I've fitted in a couple of trips to Queenstown, weekends in the Coromandel, trips to visit friends in Auckland. 
           I've moved house twice, joined a home group and prayer teams at church.
           I blinked and all of a sudden it's the middle of October.


There are a whole lot of things going through my head at the moment...a whole lot of things. But right now, most of all, it's fear. I'm scared to stop. As well as all the things I've done, the responsibilities I've had, a lot has happened this year, a lot that I have pushed to the back of my mind. It's only as I have a bit more time that I'm beginning to realise that my busyness has distracted me, that maybe that's even why I've stayed so busy. So, what happens when the busyness eases...

It scares me, actually it terrifies me...what if the only thing holding me together is the momentum? What if I stop and all the things I've been avoiding thinking about overwhelm me? What if I'm forced to deal with the things I've been hiding under the stuff? 

What if I stop and it all falls apart?

But what if I don't? What if I keep going? What if I keep myself busy with cleaning, with looking after other people, with new things, with routine things, with work, with distractions? I just don't think I can.

I've always been pretty into reflecting. I've always liked looking back, analysing, working out what I learned, what I could have done differently. I have a ridiculous number of old journals. But lately, not so much.

But I think it's time...time to stop. 

Maybe I will fall apart, but I don't think I'll fall too far. I have stuff to deal with but I don't believe I will be given anything I can't handle. God knows what load I can bear and He doesn't leave me to bear it alone. And what I know, what I need to keep focussed on is that, 

                if I fall apart, 
         it's only so He can put me back together, 
                          a little better than before. 

Waiting

I've been pretty frustrated lately. 

I'm at a stage where I feel like I'm waiting...
                   Waiting for something to happen...
                                          Waiting for the next thing...                              
                                                             Waiting for change ... 

I don't hate my life right now, but I just get the feeling that there's more to come, that this isn't it. The frustrating thing is, I feel like I've been waiting for and praying for the same things for a long time now. F o r  y e a r s . And sometimes I wonder if God has heard my prayers, if he's just ignoring them, if he know how frustrating this is.

Christians say a lot of annoying things. I know their intentions are good and I know I sound ungrateful and cynical when I say that, but one of the most frustrating things they say is "it will all happen in His time". I know it's true. I absolutely know it, but these words, meant as encouragement, are not encouraging. 
Instead of feeling that, yes, God is in control and all I need to do is sit back and have faith, those words make me feel...well, they make me question what I am doing wrong. It makes me wonder what lessons God is teaching me and why I seem to be refusing to learn. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me. It makes me feel like they know something I don’t. 

Waiting is hard. Faith and hope are hard in times of waiting. Frustration is much easier than faith is. And the frustration is so much worse when you see people around you getting what you want. It can make you feel like a five-year-old stomping your foot, pouting and saying, “it’s not fair!” And the words ‘in His time’ are about as effective for your heart as they are for a five-year-old when you tell them that they just have to wait. 

I guess  this is where it comes down to faith. Faith that God has the best plan for my life. And I think the worst thing I could do would be to passively wait for that best plan for my life to start. Because God’s best plan started 28 years ago for me and has kept going through every joy, every heartache, every triumph, every failure, every success, every fear. 

His timing has been perfect up till now, 

in a few ways that I have seen and a million ways that I haven’t. 

That is what keeps me going, that is what keeps me believing in His timing. Not because I can see the future, but because I have lived through the past. I remember that time He provided me a job in the perfect time when I lost mine. I remember when He provided me with a friend at work when one of my best friends had left the country and I was so lonely. I remember when I moved to New Zealand and He provided me with Lee and Sarah, who were also far from home and understood me perfectly.      

I was reading a bit of Isaiah the other day, somewhere deep in chapter 30, and I read this:

But the Lord still waits for you to come to him 

so he can show you his love and compassion. 

For the Lord is a faithful God. 

Blessed are those who wait for him to help them.

It wasn't a verse I remember ever reading before and I was just struck by it. God knows what it is to wait. And the thing he has to wait for is me getting over my stubbornness. He has to watch while I look everywhere else for love and compassion. He has to watch me get hurt because I look to other people for the love and compassion that only he can give. He has to watch me pout and stamp my foot and say "it's not fair"when I realise that people can't give me perfect love. And all he does is keep on showing it to me, and wait for me to open my eyes and recognise it. 

Waiting....with faith

      waiting...actively

           waiting...not because I see the future, but because I've lived through the past

For now Part 2

When I grow up...

When I was fifteen, I went on my first overseas mission trip. There were about 10 of us, from what I remember, who, along with three leaders, spent two weeks in the north of Portugal. During that time, we participated in a teenagers’ camp, helped run a holiday club in a village, visited an orphanage and some local churches and ran an outreach service on the beach. 

When I told people that I was going (good, Christian people), it often felt like they wanted to do a double take and ask, “what can a 15-year-old do?” Most of them didn’t say it out loud, but it seemed like that was what they thought. And maybe a little of rubbed off on me. I was a scared teenager – scared of travelling, scared of speaking in front of others, scared of being away from home, scared of big cockroaches. What could I do?

When I grow up...when I have more money, I'll start giving it to people who need it. When I get married, I'll start having more people round for dinner. When I have a stable job, I'll start figuring out what I really love doing. When I have kids, I'll start being creative...

If you're always waiting for the future before you start living, 

you'll never really live. 

As Pope John Paul II said, "the future starts today, not tomorrow". If you're always waiting for tomorrow, you're going to be waiting a very long time. 

I know are some things that have to wait for the future, some things that need money and secure relationships and solid jobs, so I'm not saying that you should Carpe the crap out of every Diem recklessly and without thought of consequences.                                                                                                      What I am saying is that, if the absolute only reason you have for not doing it now is that  

y o u ' l l  d o   i t  l a t e r ...maybe it's not a very good reason.