I got up at 5a.m. to go to rugby training, then I went straight to the gym, then had an appointment at church, then a physio appointment (after hurting my Achilles at the gym), came home and made lunch for Abby, had lunch with Abby, did my laundry, washed my sheets, tidied my room, cleaned my bathroom, vacuumed the lounge, made dinner for the flatmates, cleaned up after dinner and then spent the evening making a photo book that I've been meaning to do for weeks...
I'm pretty exhausted, but more than that, I don't want to stop.
This year has gone at a hundred miles an hour. Yes, I've had my Wednesdays off, but on an average day at work, I've been treating 15-20 patients.
In the average week, I've had rugby trainings on two mornings and one or two evenings, plus games on Saturdays.
In between all of that, I've fitted in a couple of trips to Queenstown, weekends in the Coromandel, trips to visit friends in Auckland.
I've moved house twice, joined a home group and prayer teams at church.
I blinked and all of a sudden it's the middle of October.
There are a whole lot of things going through my head at the moment...a whole lot of things. But right now, most of all, it's fear. I'm scared to stop. As well as all the things I've done, the responsibilities I've had, a lot has happened this year, a lot that I have pushed to the back of my mind. It's only as I have a bit more time that I'm beginning to realise that my busyness has distracted me, that maybe that's even why I've stayed so busy. So, what happens when the busyness eases...
It scares me, actually it terrifies me...what if the only thing holding me together is the momentum? What if I stop and all the things I've been avoiding thinking about overwhelm me? What if I'm forced to deal with the things I've been hiding under the stuff?
What if I stop and it all falls apart?
But what if I don't? What if I keep going? What if I keep myself busy with cleaning, with looking after other people, with new things, with routine things, with work, with distractions? I just don't think I can.
I've always been pretty into reflecting. I've always liked looking back, analysing, working out what I learned, what I could have done differently. I have a ridiculous number of old journals. But lately, not so much.
But I think it's time...time to stop.
Maybe I will fall apart, but I don't think I'll fall too far. I have stuff to deal with but I don't believe I will be given anything I can't handle. God knows what load I can bear and He doesn't leave me to bear it alone. And what I know, what I need to keep focussed on is that,
if I fall apart,
it's only so He can put me back together,
a little better than before.
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