I'm at a stage where I feel like I'm waiting...
Waiting for something to happen...
Waiting for the next thing...
Waiting for change ...
I don't hate my life right now, but I just get the feeling that there's more to come, that this isn't it. The frustrating thing is, I feel like I've been waiting for and praying for the same things for a long time now. F o r y e a r s . And sometimes I wonder if God has heard my prayers, if he's just ignoring them, if he know how frustrating this is.
Christians say a lot of annoying things. I know their intentions are good and I know I sound ungrateful and cynical when I say that, but one of the most frustrating things they say is "it will all happen in His time". I know it's true. I absolutely know it, but these words, meant as encouragement, are not encouraging.
Instead of feeling that, yes, God is in control and all I need to do is sit back and have faith, those words make me feel...well, they make me question what I am doing wrong. It makes me wonder what lessons God is teaching me and why I seem to be refusing to learn. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me. It makes me feel like they know something I don’t.
Waiting is hard. Faith and hope are hard in
times of waiting. Frustration is much easier than faith is. And the frustration
is so much worse when you see people around you getting what you want. It can
make you feel like a five-year-old stomping your foot, pouting and saying,
“it’s not fair!” And the words ‘in His time’ are about as effective for your
heart as they are for a five-year-old when you tell them that they just have to
wait.
I guess this is where it comes down to faith. Faith that God has the best plan for my
life. And I think the worst thing I could do would be to passively wait for that
best plan for my life to start. Because God’s best plan started 28 years ago
for me and has kept going through every joy, every heartache, every triumph,
every failure, every success, every fear.
His timing has been perfect up till
now,
in a few ways that I have seen and a million ways that I haven’t.
That is what keeps me going, that is what keeps me believing in His
timing. Not because I can see the future, but because I have lived through the
past. I remember that time He provided me a job in the perfect time when I
lost mine. I remember when He provided me with a friend at work when one of my
best friends had left the country and I was so lonely. I remember when I moved
to New Zealand and He provided me with Lee and Sarah, who were also far from
home and understood me perfectly.
I was reading a bit of Isaiah the other day, somewhere deep in chapter 30, and I read this:
But the Lord still waits for you to come to him
so he can show you his love and compassion.
For the Lord is a faithful God.
Blessed are those who wait for him to help them.
It wasn't a verse I remember ever reading before and I was just struck by it. God knows what it is to wait. And the thing he has to wait for is me getting over my stubbornness. He has to watch while I look everywhere else for love and compassion. He has to watch me get hurt because I look to other people for the love and compassion that only he can give. He has to watch me pout and stamp my foot and say "it's not fair"when I realise that people can't give me perfect love. And all he does is keep on showing it to me, and wait for me to open my eyes and recognise it.
Waiting....with faith
waiting...actively
waiting...not because I see the future, but because I've lived through the past
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